Snow.

It is February and snow has come. Luckily, unlike the two previous years, I have been able to get to the farm without having to rely upon my parents. Their Land Rover is so valuable, but I hate having to take up their time. But, there is still time yet...

Hillary has been very calm this time round. Usually, she likes to run around, and throw in a few bucks, spraying snow everywhere, but this time, she has seemed much more relaxed, more interested in food than in using up a bit of energy. She still waits stock still while I change her rugs, and then walks quickly down to the field or menage snorting, wanting to be out and to stretch her legs. Once loose though, she barely moves; two rolls is the most active I've seen her since the snow.

I worry about the ice. Our yard has been gritted, but everywhere is slippery at the moment, and that along with the dark evenings, make me question turning Hills out. Tonight, I turned her out in the field whilst doing her jobs. When the light began to fade, I decided to bring her in. As I turned to close the gate, her back leg slipped on some ice, and she almost sat down. Luckily, she righted herself immediately, but then proceeded to walk quickly back to her stable, expecting her tea. I don't know how much she can see, and so the fact that there is ice on the ground worries me. She doesn't seem to think twice about it, and ploughs on regardless. I wish that I could stop thinking about her eyes; I wish that I didn't know in a way, because then it wouldn't make me think about and analyse everything I  do all the time. I want to look forward and hope again.

I can't wait for the snow to go. I want to get out her saddle and bridle, and ride again. I aim to ride as much as I can for as long as I can, and every day this snow continues is a day less for my aim. I have stopped being angry now, and have become more accepting, more comfortable with her condition and my lack of options. It seems that other things too, have decided to play on my mind, and at the moment, I am a whirlwind of worry.  But in her ignorance, Hills at least is happy, and if I'm honest, that alone makes life worth living.