Catching up...

So it's now May 2013, and I haven't posted since November! So much time has gone by, but when balancing work, family and a horse sometimes its hard to find time for other things. 

The picture above shows Hillary on Christmas day having a roll in the menage with her young friend Lucy. Hillary is a really good 'nanny' to the youngsters; kind, but not up for any messing about! Yet here she is having a really good roll, with the little one looking on. 

January brought on the buying of a 4X4. Not one I'm able to tow with, but one that will hopefully mean that I can get to the farm even in the most severe of weather. Another of my life goals achieved (horse, 4x4...) Sad I know, but that's just me. Just days after I got the car, the snow came with attitude, and I was able to try out the new motor. The lane to the farm was horrendous, full of huge drifts and yet my little 'minibeast' Jimny took it all in its stride, and got me there safely. I can't praise this car enough. I love  it. 

February brought about the last scan of Hillary's leg to be paid for by the insurance. After a couple of 'final' scans, I felt worried that this scan would still not tell me that she was as healed as could be, and that I'd have to find the money to fund another scan myself. However, as I often do, I told myself that if that's what she needed then that's what she'd get. I am not materialistic, and in fact the majority of my money goes on the horse; I do not particularly relish buying clothing, but believe I am in heaven when buying rugs... 

Hillary's scan was brilliant. She is as healed as she can be. Her leg is as strong as a leg as damaged as hers could be. I felt so happy, so proud, so relieved. It had taken a lot of hard work, but now it would mean a lot of building up. Eight months off- there was a lot of muscle loss. 

Next, came her eye check. The vet checked her eyes after dilating the pupils, to see the development of the cataracts. In short, the right eye had deteriorated quite significantly; the left, not as much. Both though, had gone through changes, and meant that vision had been lost a bit more. I felt so happy about the tendon, but for what? If she couldn't see... 

That was February, and I must admit, I don't get as low now. I know lots of people don't think of animals as family members, but I really don't see my animals as anything other than family. If any of my animals is poorly then we move as quickly, and with as much love as we would for a person. My Oli, the tabby cat I rescued ten years ago is allergic to many things, and we have to 'manage' him, but how could you not? 

(OK, got my boy on this blog :)) 

From February onwards, the main priority has been to get Hillary fitter again. I have generally been able to ride six days a week; something I wouldn't have been able to do without the great facilities I have where I am. It's tiring, but seeing her progress is worth it. We now have a regular instructor by the name of Claire, who is amazing at what she does. She is able to push us, but at the same time, is sympathetic to what we are dealing with. I still get pain from my back most times that I ride, and I have to understand that as much as I have issues, so does Hillary. For Hillary, while she is mostly the calm, sensible ride she has always been, she has seemed to become more spooky. I have to make sure that I am ready to deal with this, and that my balance and position has to be in the best place to ride it out. I am so much better in my confidence, however, I am finding that sometimes it is manifesting itself in other ways. For example, I feel that I am always upsetting/annoying people. Whereas most people are able to think rationally about this, I am not, but I feel that this is just another thing to work on; another step to making me the person I want to be. 

Finally, in what has seen a whistle-stop tour of the first part of 2013, I want to talk about now. On the 19th May, Hillary and I did her first show since Aug 2011 (only our 2nd show together).

This picture says it all. We came 4th but we got brilliant comments from the judge. I loved having her in a show- she looked amazing and I felt so proud of her. The next show is in July, and I have every plan to be there. 

I also have every plan to do a dressage test through interdressage this summer. It doesnt matter to me what score we get- the thing that matters is that we do our best and have fun. 

Through everything we have been through, I feel we have become stronger, and now I hope that we are able to enjoy the things that 2013 brings. 

I have nothing but pride in my heart for my little girl, for she brings back the little girl in me. 

Dark nights

It's November now, and the nights are drawing in. It is confirmation that winter is coming, and with that, comes arguably all the not-so-nice parts of horse ownership. For a start, comes the general cold and dark; that moment when you're looking out of the window of the nice warm car, putting off getting out. For me, I'm always fine as long as I'm wrapped up. It's the dark I don't like. And that's because I'm scared.
As well as the cold and dark, winter brings with it ice and snow, and all the difficulties associated with them. Getting stuck in the car, putting your foot through ice in the water buckets and pulling out the chunks, slipping on the ice, and (of course), mud. I am not yet lucky enough to own a 4x4, so winter is always slightly dreaded to me. I love snow, as long as I  know my horse is fine; otherwise, it becomes my enemy.

A few weeks ago, Hillary had another accident. I noticed that she wasn't opening her eye properly as I approached her in the field, and when I continued to look, and she was continuing to struggle, I began to feel concerned. A call to my vet (about eight minutes into the out of hours emergency-more expensive line) confirmed that Hills needed to be seen.
The vet came and my first thought was how young he looked. Age never occurs to me (I'm 27 next) until I see someone who looks about twelve driving a car. Despite his seeming lack of years, he was very thorough and informative. Hills had either hit herself/been hit in the eye. A week off riding, pain killers, and an eye gel twice a day. I'd be lying if I said I was anything less than totally fed up.

A week later and she was fine. We were back riding and she was off box-rest. We're getting really good at the hacking now, and Hillary is even managing to go through deep puddles- something she's never done! The other week, we saw a pair of Roe deer on our hack; we stared at them and them at us, before they sprung off into the bushes, spooking the horses.

Our schooling is coming along too- we now have a new instructor who is helping us rediscover our balance, and will help us move towards going back to thinking about dressage, and Hills is getting used to being schooled in the dark under the orange glow of the menage lights. I am once again enjoying...loving the riding, and I feel very excited about the future.

After one rollercoaster of a 2012, bring on 2013- I'm ready.  

Headaches and Highlights

It's been a while since my last post, and a lot has happened. Firstly, Hillary sustained another injury.

It was Sunday morning, and I went to go and turn Hillary out in the field. I approached her stable, and noticed that a part of her forelock looked wet. I didn't think much of it; it had been a little wet in the night, and I assumed she'd had her head out of the door. As I got closer, I realised that the 'wet' in her hair was red, and that there was a few red droplets on her face. Again, I didn't panic- maybe, the flies had bitten her and drawn blood. But the appearance of blood made me decide to check her thoroughly. I tried to move her forelock away, and as she resisted, I saw a cut, and below it, a hole.

My knees buckled, and I immediately felt weak and sick. It was a split second, but I was sure it was a hole. I ran down the yard and found someone. Then I rang the vet.



Hillary was sedated, and the hole (which can be seen in the above picture ) was cleaned out. It was possible that underneath the huge swelling, there would be a fracture in the skull. I felt so sick. I stayed all day, and began my attempt to clean and put gel on the wound, which would become a routine for the next two weeks.

The vet came two days later, and suggested that there may still be a fracture. It was like a nightmare. Back on painkillers, Hillary still didnt like being touched on her head. It was a difficult task trying to get the prescribed gel on, but eventually, she gave in.

I then went on holiday- my first real holiday in nine years, and my first plane flight. To be honest, I didn't think I'd go away with Hillary being ill, but her head began to heal well, and she was able to go out.

Prior to her head being injured, Hillary had become stressed, and felt uncomfortable when ridden. So, my holiday, had become a way for her to be a horse again, without any ridden work. I too, felt a relief to be able to have a few days away, and to be able to switch off (with daily updates on her general health, of course!)

When I got back, Hillary's head had become a closed up bald patch- the beginning of a scar.Whilst her head was healing well though, she still unfortunately felt very stressed. So I began to look for a calmer for her. In my opinion, she was struggling  with a new place,with her decreased sight. By putting her on a calmer, I hoped to take the edge off the worry and give her chance to chill.

I found epsom salts, and give her some for a few days. She finally began chill out (this is my opinion, knowing my horse, and doesn't in any way intend to publicise this product!).

Also at this time, I made a new friend, and with her horse recovering too, we decided to hack out together.

I have been on several hacks now, and with several different horses. Hillary has been amazing, even coping with a set of 8/9 stairs in the country park. She has followed quietly, and even led. She has proved that despite her ailing eyes, and her recovering leg, she is a trusting, trustworthy partner.

My confidence is growing non-stop and our bond is amazing. There is no-one in the world that even comes close to the way I feel for her. She is my best friend, and my everything.

Life is great.

A Fresh Start

So much has happened since my last post some two months ago; most notably, we have moved yards.
This move was not something I ever thought I'd do, I'd always been so happy where I was, but as with many things, change happens.

The new yard is closer to home, and Hillary will be able to have the longer turn out she now needs. It was a difficult decision to move, but I felt that it would suit Hillary more, and so I went, crossing my fingers all the way.

Hills has settled well, and is able to go out for longer periods of time. She has two little 12hh field companions, and within about five minutes, she had established herself as herd leader in charge of everyone else. Her stable looks out across the moors to one side, and the neighbouring towns to the other- she has amazing views!

She has had to get used to living where chickens run free though, and where tractors are at work; she isn't particularly bothered though, and it seems like she has been here ages.

Yesterday (24.7.12) the vet came to see her. They were meant to do yet another scan, however the machine is broken and so they had to cancel. So instead they came for a check up. Hills is now off all pain killers, on a feed balancer and glucosamine, going out for between two and four hours, and being ridden for twenty minutes a day as many days of the week as possible. She is looking well, and moving much better. The increased turn out means that she is moving more, and at her own pace which helps the tendon heal. This is something we hope to build up even more.

The vet has noted that for the first couple of trot strides, Hills is quite stiff, and therefore not sound, however, after these few strides, she is looking a lot better. This is great news and I feel so thrilled that she is very nearly sound once again. He then went on to say that in light of this, he recommends stalling with the cancelled scan, and having someone look at her again in six weeks. If she is still stiff then scan again, however, if she is sound, we may have done it, and the scan probably wont be necessary. This adds to the amazing news, and I feel so happy that finally, we may be able to canter and do some proper lessons. But more than that, I feel so happy that finally Hills is almost better, and back to her normal self. I can't wait to put this behind us.

Hills eyes have also been checked, and they are showing no progress since March. This is another brilliant piece of news. Finally, after 2012 seeming so challenging and 'unfair', I'm feeling things are picking up. I hope this continues and hope that after all our hurdles, we can finally get on with strengthening our bond, and enjoying life together.

Here's to new beginnings, fresh starts looking forward to new horizons x.

A Good Day

A very brief post here, inspired by the picture....

This is the image I see every day when I arrive at the farm, and it is without doubt the most happiest part of my day....

Hills spent twenty minutes in the menage today, eating her hay in the sunshine. She had the sun on her back as she munched, and I sat quietly watching her, happy that she was outside in the open. After a roll in the sand, she put in a couple of bucks, and had a little canter whilst throwing her head about with happiness and joy.

Better news yet, when I brought her back up to the yard, I left her ten minutes to chill whilst I did a couple of jobs. After those ten minutes there was only the slightest bit of heat in the leg. I keep having to pinch myself to let me believe we're on the up. Soon I'll be on her back and we'll canter happily together in our own world.....

Brighter Days.

It's now three months since the tendon injury. Hillary continues with her adequan injections every five days, and still, even at this point, is on pain killer even though the dose is low. There is no lameness that I can see, and her leg generally looks a lot better.

When she did go out, her leg became inflamed and red from the wet and cold mud. This meant another call to the vets (I don't know how to deal with anything like this), and after a coating of sudocrem, its now looking a lot calmer. However, to prevent this happening again, Hills hasn't been out in the field since. I am told I can turn her out in the menage, and I intend to do this; hence going through the nerve-wracking process of her going out all over again. 

I have also started riding now, at first for just ten minutes around the yard on our walking route. I won't lie and tell you my anxiety hasn't reared its ugly head, but I have not been anywhere near as severely affected. I have worries getting on, primarily because I have to juggle the less movement of my leg with the less movement of my torso due to wearing the body protector. Once I'm on though, and I've sat back, I feel fine.   I have very few moments of fear, and find that I am managing to control my breathing much better. 

Sunday came, and I had arranged to ride with my friend Kath who has been so helpful in getting me back in the saddle. I tacked up quickly and got on Hillary, waiting for Kath to join me. We set off quickly. The planned ride meant going off the farm and heading down the lane, and round a roundabout by the school. In total about twice the riding time that I've done since her accident. Two friends joined us with their horses, and we all rode single file down the lane, Hillary going second sandwiched between two others.

I found the whole ride very enjoyable. There were a few slightly scary moments, and as usual, I was ready for jumping off at the slightest second, but I kept reminding myself to sit back and breathe. Hillary behaved so well, excitable yet controllable, and when we got back, I felt incredible. Hillary, I could see, felt more relaxed too, and had even broken into a slight sweat. I was grinning from ear to ear. 

I intend to keep riding whenever possible to ensure that both Hillary and I can keep rebuilding our fitness and our ridden bond. I keep looking at Hillary's leg and feeling the temperature of it- after seemingly so many setbacks and rests, I can't quite believe that we are doing well. The vet says I should be riding back at some level of normality by August... please let that be the case :)

Ups and Downs

This week has been a real mix of emotions for me. To begin with, Hillary has been given the all clear to go out in a small field. This felt like a real milestone for me, and I was excited to let her out. She behaved impeccably as you can see from the picture; it seemed she was content enough to just stand in the fresh air and eat. However, the skin on the leg (which was shaved for the ultra sound scan) is very pink, and the mud seemed straight away to make it look red and angry. For this reason then, she hasn't been out in the field for fear of getting mud rash.
To add to this, the weather has not lent itself to me being able to ride, and I feel that rather than me rushing back into the saddle (which could tempt my anxiety to return), I'd rather wait until I feel secure. So we continued walking. The problem is though, that it's incredibly hard to feel secure when there is no one there by your side to help (for me, that is anyway.) I'd spent so much of last year recovering and becoming more and more confident, and although riding is something of a desperation at the moment, I do still get very anxious.

And so, with frustration over the weather, and Hillary's leg- keep as dry as possible-cold hose when hot?? and the desperation to ride, and also a tiring full week of work I have felt a whirl wind of emotions. Having never owned a horse before, its hard for me to know what to do. I try and think sensibly about things, but its   hard to know what I'm meant to do. I've no experience behind me, and even people around me say things that are different and that contradict each other. But most of the issues of this week have come from the feeling of dread, of feeling the anxiety come sneaking back. This time I recognise it, and the knowledge of it makes me feel terrible. My partner Ric tells me that I can get through it again should it ever get back to that, but it isn't as simple as that as it tested me so much. Not just the inability to ride and the associated guilt of that, but also the embarrassment of trying to explain to others the reasons why; the illogical but yet so controlling ideas. This all grew into a point where last night I cried from sheer frustration. I don't want to fail. I want to be positive and learning and improving like I was before the accident. As Ric would say, my moods depend very much on whether I'm riding, and though its not a conscious thing for me, I do feel like my world is right when I'm able to ride.

So, I decided today (5.5.12) would be the day to ride providing the weather was fine. I had the vet early this morning and so managed to get the farm jobs done before the vet arrived. The vet is impressed with the improvement in the shape of the leg as there is much less swelling. Also, he says that her weight, which is obviously a constant issue with me, is pretty much 'spot on'. She had her adequan injection (3/7) and behaved brilliantly. I went home to do some jobs, then back up early afternoon to ride.

Luckily Ric agreed to come with me. Normally he hates the farm and will avoid it where possible, but today he agreed to help me whilst I rode. I gave Hills a quick brush, and tacked up, making sure I tried to stay calm throughout. Finally, I got on, whilst Hills was held in place by my friend Cheryl. I tried not to think about the nerves; they were being over taken by excitement anyway, and after ten minutes of riding in walk, I didn't want to dismount. Ric walked with me, keeping at Hillary's head, and I talked to him constantly. I felt amazing- no anxiety, just a rush of brilliance knowing I was riding Hills again. Needless to say, she had the biggest apple I could find as a treat afterwards.

I feel refreshed in energy after today. Its easy to get bogged down with the negatives and the frustrations, but  its the moments, however fleeting, of positivity that turn it around. Yesterday I was in tears; tonight I'm smiling. I hope more than anything, that she continues to improve, and we can continue to ride.